Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Everybody needs to stop and pause once in a while, reflect upon their life and either be bowled over by the stark realization that things haven't been going great guns, or contrary be smug in the realization that things are exactly going as planned. For the first time in the longest time, I'm able to wake up late today without having to rush to work and continue with my mechanical and mundane life. I laid in bed and reflected on the going-ons for the past few months. It wasn't pretty!
My incessant imbiling of alcohol aside. I've managed to achieve nothing of note. Just realized that I've done nothing but drink for the past 4 months. I did a mental check of my short term goals and realized this:
1. Get riding license
progress-Haven even went for a single lesson after signing up 2 months ago.
2. Formulate and kickstart a plan that'll garantee a smooth transition from being gainfully employed to self-sufficient moneygrubbing tycoon.
progress-Have beefed up my hennessy drinking capacity to be able to entertain clients, now I just need a business.
3. Save up enough money to pay a substantial upfront payment for a car
progress-Had used up what meagre savings I had in my drinking binges
4. To be finally rid of my GODDESS worshipping habits and finally get over her
progress-Got to know the GODDESS lookalike in Joebelle, which ironically instead of diverting my emotions away from the GODDESS, I became more obssessed with THE ONE GODDESS as evident from the rash of GODDESS worshipping posts in this blog. However I've finally resolved with iron-willed resolution to delete the existence of THE ONE GODDESS from memory, come 2nd January 05 which marks the tenth year of me knowing and unwittingly falling for her at first sight. (I really do need to work on the iron-willed part as evident from my smoking of 3 sticks of cigarettes yesterday and so its day 1 all over again.)
5. To actively pursue possibly at this present moment the only person that might break the vice-like hold the GODDESS have over me.
progress-Actually for quite some time already, I've know that if someone have even the remotest of chance to displace the GODDESS, its gotta be this person. Alas it just so incidentally happen that even though she's single(I think) at this moment, I've got as much chance with her as a sheep in a abattoir. And no she's not joebelle. For those of you more familiar with my style would have known, the smokescreens I will throw up just to conceal my real affections for someone else, ie Kang, Joyce etc during the days of my secret pining for THE GODDESS. I had never admitted to myself even, that I'm really fond of her, even though I loathe lying to myself as I feel its the most pathetic thing that one could do. Perhaps its to make myself feel better and to soothe my fragile ego that I'm not getting a gf, not because I can't make her like me. We're poles apart, but the one thing about her that's really appealling is her utter honesty and inability to hide her distaste. I love honesty in a person and is tired after so many years of screwing with ppl's mind and the ceaseless mind games the GODDESS plays. She's classy and elegant while I'm brutish and uncouth. She's got the taste for the arts while my idea of art is Totti chipping the ball over the keeper into goal from 20 yards. She's got the most angelic vocals while I squeal and croak disharmoniously. She dislike ppl smoking while hmmmm.....maybe that's why I'm quitting. She can't drink to save her life while 'nuff been said about my alcoholic addiction. And perhaps its also due to my love for a challenge that I'm so attracted to a person so unattainable. My mind's really screwed ain't it?
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My incessant imbiling of alcohol aside. I've managed to achieve nothing of note. Just realized that I've done nothing but drink for the past 4 months. I did a mental check of my short term goals and realized this:
1. Get riding license
progress-Haven even went for a single lesson after signing up 2 months ago.
2. Formulate and kickstart a plan that'll garantee a smooth transition from being gainfully employed to self-sufficient moneygrubbing tycoon.
progress-Have beefed up my hennessy drinking capacity to be able to entertain clients, now I just need a business.
3. Save up enough money to pay a substantial upfront payment for a car
progress-Had used up what meagre savings I had in my drinking binges
4. To be finally rid of my GODDESS worshipping habits and finally get over her
progress-Got to know the GODDESS lookalike in Joebelle, which ironically instead of diverting my emotions away from the GODDESS, I became more obssessed with THE ONE GODDESS as evident from the rash of GODDESS worshipping posts in this blog. However I've finally resolved with iron-willed resolution to delete the existence of THE ONE GODDESS from memory, come 2nd January 05 which marks the tenth year of me knowing and unwittingly falling for her at first sight. (I really do need to work on the iron-willed part as evident from my smoking of 3 sticks of cigarettes yesterday and so its day 1 all over again.)
5. To actively pursue possibly at this present moment the only person that might break the vice-like hold the GODDESS have over me.
progress-Actually for quite some time already, I've know that if someone have even the remotest of chance to displace the GODDESS, its gotta be this person. Alas it just so incidentally happen that even though she's single(I think) at this moment, I've got as much chance with her as a sheep in a abattoir. And no she's not joebelle. For those of you more familiar with my style would have known, the smokescreens I will throw up just to conceal my real affections for someone else, ie Kang, Joyce etc during the days of my secret pining for THE GODDESS. I had never admitted to myself even, that I'm really fond of her, even though I loathe lying to myself as I feel its the most pathetic thing that one could do. Perhaps its to make myself feel better and to soothe my fragile ego that I'm not getting a gf, not because I can't make her like me. We're poles apart, but the one thing about her that's really appealling is her utter honesty and inability to hide her distaste. I love honesty in a person and is tired after so many years of screwing with ppl's mind and the ceaseless mind games the GODDESS plays. She's classy and elegant while I'm brutish and uncouth. She's got the taste for the arts while my idea of art is Totti chipping the ball over the keeper into goal from 20 yards. She's got the most angelic vocals while I squeal and croak disharmoniously. She dislike ppl smoking while hmmmm.....maybe that's why I'm quitting. She can't drink to save her life while 'nuff been said about my alcoholic addiction. And perhaps its also due to my love for a challenge that I'm so attracted to a person so unattainable. My mind's really screwed ain't it?
Friday, October 01, 2004
Haven been extolling about the beauty, brilliance and general perfection about THE ONE GODDESS for some time, and its a sin with punitive measures the magnitude of a month long interdiction of consumption of alcoholic fluids. THE ONE GODDESS was away to sunny Bangkok and thus unable to reply my incessant barage of SMSes and what audacity this rodent possesses to insinuate that THE ONE GODDESS is a toot! Given the merciful and magnanimous disposition of THE ONE GODDESS with her infinite wisdom, beauty and compassion, I'm sure I'll be spared though I'll be shamed to accept any punishment more lenient than death.
Oh and I'm ten days into my quit smoking campaign, and boy is it getting harder every day.
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Oh and I'm ten days into my quit smoking campaign, and boy is it getting harder every day.
I dun like ppl. Lemme rephrase that. I dun like meeting new ppl. Ppl that dun fall uner the broad classification of being frens with me hated me with a vengeance. Meaning: ppl who sees me around, ie in school, workplace, generally do not like the way I look. I've got this fren who after 2 years in JC with me, got closer to me as a fren only in the later stages of our JC education told me this. I din like you until I got to know you better. Its difficult for 'em not to notice me in school and they dun like what they saw. Its like I look damn stuck up, pissed and dun bother striking conversations with ppl in the presence of a mutual fren. I treat 'em like they do not exist and unworthy of my time. Another case in point is my good fren Auston who hails from the same JC as me and subsequently brought together again in uni. He told me straight in my face that he hated my guts in our JC days. Xia Lan and Lau Lan were the exact words he used to describe me. I won't dispute or contest his claims. One of my ex-gf even asked me to be friendlier and nicer to her frens. Its like I'll tag along to her social events with her frens, get extremely bored with their conversations, start playing with my mobile, whisper some comments to her during coffee sessions, making no efforts whatsoever to partake in the discussions even if its the tenth time I'm out with them. I dun warm up to ppl was the excuse I always make. Though it must be said that they're nice ppl and did try to include me in their conversations, I just didn't wanto be friendly, so much so that they complained to my ex that if I din like 'em, it'll be better if I dun join 'em than to show them my infamous "black face" and make 'em feel that I despise 'em. I discovered I got more nites off, cos I got banned to their outings from then on. And there're a hundred and one other examples of my being unpleasant.
Perhaps I'm a socially challenged person and generally dun mix well in a group. I dun wear a sunny smile on my face and perhaps that irks some ppl to no end. Or perhaps I'm just plain hideous. So often I get invited by some really good fren to some social event like bbq where there'll be like a large group of ppl doing some fun stuff, and even though I desperately wanto be there for my fren, the loathesome feeling of meeting new ppl and putting on a friendly mask more often than not warrant my apologetic excuse for being unable to attend. Even though I meet lotsa new peeps on my clubbing episodes, ie frens of a fren etc, its mostly a hi, nice to meet you and I'm ensconced at the bar downing my tequila shots, blissfully oblivious to the disapproving murmur of discontent and disdain. I love all my frens, its just that I dun coerce myself to like theirs or make 'em my frens as well. I can live with being tagged as an anti-social for thats really who I am and I dun give a shit about what they think 'bout me. Life's hard enough as it is, without having to try to please everyone I meet and living life with a 'I love the colour of your lime green shirt, where did you buy it'(I hate green!) facade. And to all my frens, I love all you peeps, just dun expect me to like your frens just because they're ur frens. Oh yah, one more thing, not going to all yah birthday parties doesn't mean you're not important to me, its just that I hate meeting new ppl. I believed I've covered that already, good nite! :)
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Perhaps I'm a socially challenged person and generally dun mix well in a group. I dun wear a sunny smile on my face and perhaps that irks some ppl to no end. Or perhaps I'm just plain hideous. So often I get invited by some really good fren to some social event like bbq where there'll be like a large group of ppl doing some fun stuff, and even though I desperately wanto be there for my fren, the loathesome feeling of meeting new ppl and putting on a friendly mask more often than not warrant my apologetic excuse for being unable to attend. Even though I meet lotsa new peeps on my clubbing episodes, ie frens of a fren etc, its mostly a hi, nice to meet you and I'm ensconced at the bar downing my tequila shots, blissfully oblivious to the disapproving murmur of discontent and disdain. I love all my frens, its just that I dun coerce myself to like theirs or make 'em my frens as well. I can live with being tagged as an anti-social for thats really who I am and I dun give a shit about what they think 'bout me. Life's hard enough as it is, without having to try to please everyone I meet and living life with a 'I love the colour of your lime green shirt, where did you buy it'(I hate green!) facade. And to all my frens, I love all you peeps, just dun expect me to like your frens just because they're ur frens. Oh yah, one more thing, not going to all yah birthday parties doesn't mean you're not important to me, its just that I hate meeting new ppl. I believed I've covered that already, good nite! :)
